WHAT
IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MERGER AND CLOSENESS?
At first, it can seems
like the merger is the closeness in the relationship. When a
person feels some connection with a partner, agreement,
something in common ( seems like two people are the same
almost about everything), it can seems like this is the real
closeness. And, exactly that is that happiness that everybody is
talking about that much.
The merger is a really
pleasure process in some steps of relationship. It starts since
the breast feeding period: the baby is in merger with the
mother, and that way the kid feels there very well. But, step by
step , the child is separating..
At the beginning level of
building the adult relationship the merger takes the place, too.
Because of that we are finding those people with whom we are
feeling good there, with whom we can share some emotions
there and can be supported.
But, any relationship is
developing and can not remain at the same place. And the next
step after the merger is the differentiation. And, this is the
level of relationship where they notice not only the similarity,
but also the differences of each other. And in some cases, to
notice there differences of each other, means to separate, to
stop relationship. But, formation of merger is possible only when
the step of differentiation is passed. And the differences of
partners became the value in the relationship.
The main differences of
merger and closeness:
1. In the merger there
is only "we". And in the closeness there is only "you"
and "me".
In the merger it is
very complicated to see who and what wants, what is important
for each partner. "This is our wish", "We do it
for the family", "We need it". So, the wish and
the need can coincide. But, it is possible to see only in the
case when there is possibility to separate and to compare. In
the closeness it is not possible to separate and to compare.
That's why it is not possible to see then who wants to walk and
who needs the apartment there, for example.
2. In the merger the
relationship is build on the common manipulations. In the
closeness the relationship is built on the common agreement.
In the level of merger
the only one way of being satisfied is the manipulation. Here
are some examples: "If you do not do this, I will die",
"Do not you see how bad I am? You can not do this", "
How could you do this, it makes me suffer?" So, each of
the partners is trying to obtain what he and she wants via
the illegal actions there. The play with the feeling of the
partner, this is the thing that use the dependent couples.
Because of the difference of manipulations of one of the
partner, the other one partner gets the feeling of guiltiness,
scare, the feeling of being sorry or shy. And that partner
bend down for manipulator's demand, ignoring the own needs.
Indeed, such the reaction is a kind of manipulation, too.
But, in the another format.
In the closeness the
partners notice and talk in the direct way to each other about
their needs. There is nothing bad in this and there is no risk
of splitting off. For example: "How, you do not like this
performance? We have nothing to talk with you about".
In the closeness the
satisfaction of the needs of one partner happens via agreement
with another one. The example: "Help me, please, with a
baby. Would it not be difficult for you now?" In this
case, the rejection of the second partner ( let's pretend ,
the second partner was going there to have a run and is
already late), will not be considered like a lack of respect or
the lack of love towards that person, but like agreement and
understanding.
In the closeness there
is also the respect to the system of values and accepting the
world by another person. The partners are telling each other
about their own life values ( and take responsibilities for
that). But, they do not demand that this group of values was
replaced with the group of values of another partner.
3. In the merger there
is no place for differences. In the closeness the differences
are the values.
In the level of merger
it is very complicated to deal with the differences of each
other. The differences are taking there like something
terrible, that brings a serious danger for relationship. For
example: "For what I need him, he earns little there now?"
or "How I will live with her, if she can not cook, like
I like, and she does not want to study there?"
In the closeness the
differences are the values, that are taking there like the
resource. "Yes, she does not like to clean there, but she
is very good in the bed and attentive to me in general",
or "Yes, he is not the milionier, but I find him like a
good father".
The merger it is a
dependance and a scare of remaining alone. The closeness it
is a freedom of choice.
People who are used to
stay all the time in merger, are afraid of remaining alone.
They are scared to be left alone there, to be out of demand.
They are very dependent on the partner. And, saving the
relationship becomes more important, then satisfaction their own
needs. They think, if they do something good for a partner,
the partner would do something good for them. And, then they
refuse to do something good for them by their own will.
5. In the level of
closeness the partners can be independent.
They are able to support
their needs by their own. At the same time, being in the
couple, they feel more comfortable, closer, more pleasure. That's
why to remain in a couple with someone, it is their own
choice. And, if the relationship stop, it will not be the
risk of surviving there. Sure, it can be a sad event. But,
the one that possible to survive without much problems.
Because, the close relationship it is possible to built with
another person, too.
The old couples that
managed to keep their relationship save for years is much less,
then the couples that divorced. It appears to be that to
stand the challenge of the time for these couples indeed helps
their similarity. And, this is exactly the thing that we are
forgetting there about. There remain their interests. And
possible, the new things can be found out with mutual
interest for both. The common interests - this is what connects
people with each other, and keeps together for many years.
And, when two people are living like two separate people and do
not find time to do something together, each of them is busy
with his or her own talks, it can, and very often , in deed,
is harmful for the long time relationship.
